Sadness: cat blogging not paying jack (╯︵╰,)

1.5 years of cat blogging not paying… what to do?

Happy Anniversary to me! I wasted tons of time trying to entertain you while learning a new skill and now it is clear that you are not entertained and you most likely did not learn anything either. That’s probably because most of you don’t know I exist. This is my fault because I can’t obtain any traffic to this site no matter what I do. For this reason I am going to seek employment driving a Swift Truck. If you’re not too swift as a cat blogger, you might as well be a Swift Truck driver. Nafsht.

LoL Cat Research - SWIFT joke MEME
Representing cute cats and comedy with a good old fashioned Swift Truck joke

Trucking pays great money. If you ever want employment and find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile, you will do better than most. It can work for you… trust me. My uncle Noel is a retired truck driver and he has all kinds of cash. Problem with this cat right here is that he don’t have a motherf*cking driver’s license, so there’s no choice but to get busy cat blogging.

Stop look & listen:

I don’t need a Swift Trucking job nor do I need to cat blog any longer. Here’s the alternative: I can find a magical white rabbit that I can sell for big bucks. Wait, your skeptical? Don’t think there’s a market for such a thing? Well you are wrong, grasshopper. Theres all types of retired hippy gangsters out there searching for that elusive white rabbit; and if you have the most unique, hardest to find, freak rabbit… you can be a champion! Victory is waiting — so how do you catch a unique rabbit? See the image below:

LoLCatResearch - unique rabbit meme joke
Cats in rabbit suits are not unique, but this joke with this meme pic is.

So what else is going on in cat blog world besides me not getting paid? I couldn’t tell you. That’s because I don’t have the time or money to find out. I’ve had a donation button up on my site since it’s inception and nobody contributed. I use emoticons on my 20+ tweets and tried to get a sponsorship from the site I get them from.

They just ignored me.

I could tell you which emoticon site it is, but why give them free press? They need to pay to get mentioned here. BTW, if anyone tries to steal my material, I”m going to sue them. So hit that donation button on the top right and pay me. Then come back in a week for more jokes that are free. After you get your free laugh, pay me. Aside from money, I want you to share what’s here with everyone you know so that I can be even more successful. Last thing anyone wants to do is post research results around the web for free and to add insult to injury, get zero likes on top it. So do the right thing and pay me while sharing this about. Peace.

LoL Cat Research zero likes meme joke

 

 

 

 

cats vs dogs and toxoplasmosis

Many assume that dogs can beat cats because they’re bigger. The opposite is true! Cats almost always win, often outsized, or even outnumbered, cats are still able to dominate. I put together a compilation of videos (all creative commons licensed so I don’t get sued by some insane dog owner) and I can’t even tell you how hard it was to find an instance where a dog beat a cat. See for yourself \(=^‥^)/’`

Lots of experts attempt to explain why cats are more popular than dogs online. Many will say in the Cats versus Dogs eternally epic battle, things like,

“… dog people are outside with their pets while cat people are indoors and therefore more likely to post about their cats while sitting in front of the computer…”

LoL Cat Research insight on cats vs dogs

My personal belief for the longest time was that google programmed their search algorithms to display results for cats when people were searching for porn — especially when parent filters were on. It makes sense when you think about it: Picture a random dirty old man finally learns how to use the internet and when nobody is around — he searches for “pussy”… Google gives him pussy cats — LoL!!! This was one of the reasons why I originally wanted to become a cat blogger: Cats get a shitload of traffic and traffic is what you need to make money. Still, everything mentioned this far is purely hypothetical. Let’s breakdown the real reason cats are more popular online:

Cat people outnumber dog people.

We all know there are just two sorts of individuals on the planet: cat people and dog people. Information from statistical surveying firm Euromonitor, recommend that these distinctions stretch out past individual inclination and to the domain of geopolitics: it so happens there are cat countries and dog countries, as well.

In the U.S.A., a greater number of families own puppies than own felines. Cool cats dwarf yippee-dippy-canines to the tune of about 4 million (so says the American Veterinary Medical Association’s evaluation). Why? One straightforward clarification is that felines are more minimal:

You can fit a greater number of kittens in a house than you can, say, pit bulls.

cats versus dogs lol cat research style
looks like the cats winning the battle against dogs… AGAIN!!!

At the state level in the U.S.A., felines dwarf pooches in the Northeast and Upper Midwest. Mutts are the most loved in the South and Southwest. The most canine cordial state is Arkansas, where doggies dwarf the friendly felines 1.35-to-1. But who cares about Arkansas? If you ever saw the documentary, Bangin in Little Rock, you would know that those dogs are cray-cray. Bill Clinton was from there, but you don’t see him there now, you see him here in New York City.

On the other end of the spectrum stands Massachusetts with 1.87 felines for each canine. I guess Bean Town is feline town! When it comes to analyzing this kind of demographical data “A ton of that basically needs to do with populace thickness,” Jared koerten, a pet industry examiner at Euromonitor, said in a meeting. “Many cities simply aren’t that dog-accommodating.”

Worldwide, felines are the favored pet in the vast majority of Western Europe, except for Spain, Portugal and Ireland. South America is entirely puppy nation, as is much of Asia.

“A few districts, in the same way as the Middle East and piece of Africa, have an particularly long-standing energy about felines,” Koerten said. “in Latin America its the complete inverse. Pooches are a piece of family life there.”

i can has toxoplasmosis meme pic. T. Gondii seems to play no part in the cats versus dogs epic struggle.
found this when searching for toxoplasmosis

March is Toxoplasmosis Awareness Month and Brazil is believed to have perhaps the highest infection rate in humans — a whopping 66% are believed to be infected. Toxoplasma Gondii is a parasite that gets into a mouses system when it feeds on cat turds.

The bacteria makes it way into the mouses brain, causing the mouse to become sexually aroused by the smell of cat urine.

It also dulls the mouse’s reflexes and causes it to become more reckless and make poor decisions — like the decision to find cats attractive!

This would all be great if T. Gondii only infected rodents. Unfortunately, any warmblooded mammal can become infected — including humans. The brain worms cause people to have an increased sex-drive while behaving erratically. One theory is that it can cause a person to take more chances while driving a car, which leads to more accidents, and subsequently more deaths. 

Listen, this is supposed to be a funny blog — not a biology-based freakshow. For this reason, I went back to the past paragraph and inserted a gullible test. Did you catch it? OK, here it is:

March is NOT toxoplasmosis awareness month — I made that up!

The brain worm part is real and you can research that on your own. It’s disturbing, yet true that parasites can actually alter one’s thoughts and cause them to hallucinate or even commit suicide. Biologists joke that biology should be re-named, “parasitology,” since parasites outnumber free-living organisms by about four to one.

I just realized that humans could be seen as parasites in the eyes of other animals. Look at what we do with livestock. An animal is enslaved to work for us on the farm until the point that the point that they are slaughtered. How sad 🙁 that only until recently, we find out that other organisms do it to us!

It’s funny that toxoplasmosis would play very little roll in the cats versus dogs epic drama. It’s also surprising that Brazil isn’t more of cat country. Maybe the data is skewed or innacuate. Here’s an interesting video on Brazil and Toxoplasma Gandii:

Here’s even more info on toxoplasmosis.
Cat vs Dog info came mostly from spinning this article in the Washington Post.

Meme pic + cat joke = traffic to your site!

LoL Cat Research water polo joke

Meme pics are not going away!

You see them all over the internet. It started with cats but now it’s any kind of photo that evokes some sort of emotion. Add a witty caption and bang — you have urself a meme pic. If you search earlier posts in this here LoLCatResearch.com you’ll see that I do a full report on the cheezburger network and their CEO Ben Huh. And just in case you say “huh?” I been living under a rock and don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, I’ll give you the picture that started it all:

lol cat research covers i can has cheezburger meme

Whether or not it was first or one of the first is irrelevant. Point is, that Russian Blue kitty cat blew up the internet. It changed the lives a few men who recognized the viral aspect of the phenomenon and subsequently positioned themselves to reap the financial rewards of such a phenomenon. Nothing was the same after that. So what should WE do? Jump on the bandwagon is what we should do! So here is an easy content strategy:

  1. Find a royalty free image
  2. Use PhotoShop or Illustrator to add phrases over the picture (“Impact” font is most common)
    * make sure and watermark the image with your website
  3. Post it in a blog like this one. Then promote it everywhere possible. This is the most difficult leg of the journey. It’s the most time-consuming and involves changing your daily life to accommodate the requirements and responsibilities of digital marketing. It’s beyond the scope of this article to talk about image promotion. That we will reserve for the next post, which I should drop on your heads in about a week or two so stay tuned.

You may run into the problem of not having anything interesting to write on the picture. I did a search for “best jokes 2014” and looked for the shortest jokes listed since there’s a limited amount of text you can write on one image before kids or adults with ADD stop reading. Everything I’m talking about here took me 25 min to make. That water polo cat joke you see took the most time since I wasn’t finding much that inspired me. To tell you the truth, I don’t think the joke is all that funny and I would’ve liked to have spent more time finding something funnier. Too bad! It’s important to set realistic deadlines and make sure you stick to them.

Let’s look at some issues with all of this in more depth, cause I know you may be questioning what’s going on here as perhaps being too involved. How do you search for royalty free images? What do you do if you don’t have PhotoShop or Illustrator. What happens if I get sued by a crazy cat lady who says she owns the rights to my viral masterpiece?

I give you ANSWERS!!!

You can do a google image search by going to google and clicking on “images”, which is located in the top-right portion of your screen. Once there, click on the settings tab located on the bottom right of your screen. There you can edit search parameters so you can look for images that you can reuse. Click here and everything should be clear as day.

There are plenty of meme generators out there. They may say they’re free, but is anything really free? These generators always watermark their site on the bottom-right of the pic, right where you want to put your watermark! Other problem is that you have limited control over formatting the font, placement, etc. Some phrases simply don’t fit, or cover the image in an awkward way. Still, if you want to get in the game and you can’t wait any longer, I’ll give you the best free meme generator I could find out there: www.QuickMeme.com and you can thank me by donating on that side panel to your right.

lol cat research covers this story of girl suing isntagram for 50 millionOK let’s say you do everything right and your image goes viral. Traffic is coming your way and you’re also an expert on converting that into cash money. Success is your middle name while haters and bitches are sweating you for the true champion that you are. A certified letter arrives that you sign for. It’s a court subpoena that an attorney hit you with threatening to take everything you made. Think this doesn’t happen? It does. They come after you only if you have something to take. Instagram has billions and the girl you see in the image to your right blasted Suckerberg’s #2 cash cow with a $50 million lawsuit. Says the article, “16 Year Old Kiesha Johnson, of Birmingham Alabama, was just hanging with friends that took a bad picture of her and uploaded it to Instagram. Immediately, that photo went viral and was shared on Millions of profiles including celebrities. Everyone started mocking her now famous pose. “My face looked ugly like I was about to throw up.. I look nothing like that in real life… Im really a bad b*tch!” said Johnson.”

If you want to read more stories like that one, you can click here and thank me by contributing funds to our cause. Since we are on the subject of generating web traffic, I must say that every time I read an article, I post a comment with a link back to my site. It’s something each an every blogger should be rocking — whenever possible!

This article is most certainly not the first when it comes to using memes to create traffic. There are tons of great SEO resources at moz.com — especially when it comes to acquiring back-links to your site. Here’s an old article that is still worth reading. Click here for that and contribute by clicking up there to your right or by filling out the contact form and stating that you would like to contribute.